Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Another Tuesday afternoon - it's been snowing all day. I love Calgary. I'm debating whether to go home and be a sloth or go to the gym right after work. I'll probably go home and then head to the gym. I'm really wanting to take some days off of training, but I'm sure there will be more than a few days of sloth next week.
We're supposed to be running from Tim and Doug's place tomorrow night. I still plan on running with Matt and Chris at lunch.
I've made plans for Joe and I to go out for dinner with Greg and Marion Tompkins before the ballet on Saturday. I'm so looking forward to it! And then a full-blown party afterwards! Not sure how we're getting to the airport on Sunday yet. Ryan came over for a few beers and hoots last night. Had some good conversation, but we were all obviously too tired to make anything exciting out of it. He's heading back to Grandview for a week - lord knows why. Just kidding. He said he'd love to go elsewhere, but without any cash GV is the only place to go. Poor guy.
The weekend of racing went great. No flats like last weekend at the CCC triathlon. I pulled off a 36:54 at the CCC 10K on Saturday morning, good enough for 9th place overall. We did excellent again this year, pulling off a sixth place in the Orange division with a cumulative time of 4:33:51. That gives us three points to the overall. Our ranking isn't quite as high this year which says something of the quality (or stacking?) of the field out there this year, but our cumulative time is almost six minutes faster than last year, which speaks volumes of the quality of runners that happen to work for the Railway.
For comparision, last year we did a 4:39:25, less than nine minutes off of Fluor's combined winning time of 4:30:34. This year the winning time was an amazing 4:04:19 by Imperial Oil. A few ringers on that team? I suspect so. At least we beat my personal nemesis at Calgary Health Region which makes my day! ;-) Encana, Petro-Can, Shell and Imperial continue to elude us in this event...until next year, of course!
I made it to the velodrome in enough time to race in the 30Lap points race. I managed a second with 18 points. I pulled away from the pack with about 10 laps to go and kept 200m ahead for two wins on the last two sprints. We had good burgers, then I had to head to work. Tested from 4:30-8:30, headed home and got the bike ready for the race on Sunday morning.
Joe and Allison burst into the apt around 5am. They kept me up - I lost it on Joe in the morning when I got up to leave. I apologized when I got home but I am still pretty pissed. He doesn't give a shit about anything I do. The same thing happened Sunday night. They got all pissed up and Allison slept on the couch. I had to tiptoe around in the morning - fortunately I didn't have any food so I got ready upstairs and left.
Anyways, back to Sunday. Here are some of the results for the Hill Climb. If I had raced Master A again, I would've ended up with a bronze, but I end up with a sixth place finish in Cat 4. At least it's worth some points. I was happy with my time anyways. BK had a great time, but of course he didn't race all day Saturday - he's a better climber than me at any rate.
Cat 4 1. Frank Woolstencroft (Revoluzione) 14.31 2. Brian Kullman (Terrascape) 14.33 3. Lonn Bate (Terrascape) 14.35 4. Robert Fougere (Ind) 15.03 5. Kyle Marcotte (Revoluzione) 15.05 6. Reid Dalgleish (Synergy) 15.18 7. Steve German (Revoluzione) 15.48 8. Dan Bradley (ERTC) 16.56 9. Graeme Thomson (bicisport) 17.05 10. Jason Frank (CABC/Projekt 1) 17.05
WHAT A GREAT SEASON! Four medals, a Cat 3 upgrade, a Cat A upgrade on the Track, money, leading ARC for points (doesn't mean much, but still cool), and lots of great memories and friendships. I can't wait until the Synergy Hootenany on Nov. 1 (hosted by yours truly), and the CBTL AGM in November sometime.
I'm feeling better about Joe. Now that he's feeling better I don't feel so inclined to beat him until he gets up and does something. But my god, is he ever unmotivated to do anything. The last thing I'm going to do is support him, well, until the law makes me, anyways. BTW, the Saturday night dinner with Greg and Marion is also our third anniversary. Interesting....hardly feels like three years, but then it hardly feels like a relationship anymore.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

So, here it is Tuesday afternoon. I'm sort of in a blue funk these days - how quickly things change. I think it's a few things - the end of the summer and consequently the end of racing season, the stressful transition from racing season to training season again, deciding what to do for offseason training (and where to find the money for it - see next), a horrific lack of funds in my accounts (all blown away over the summer and it's not like I even went out much or went anywhere to extreme or spent too much money in one place), the broken bits on my bike, the impending huge cash shellout for vacation, Jerome's painting and Owen's wedding, marriage in general, gay marriage in particular, being gay and how it fits into the whole scheme of things - why do so many people hate us? (becoming so visible over the gay marriage thing...), my relationship with my parents, brother, and relatives and my hometown, the need for a home computer I can't afford, my fucking job, the current fucking fucked-up project, missing of training opportunities due to the fucking project, low morale at work in EVERYONE, living in Calgary - this redneck desert town - it's getting bigger everyday, but it's also getting uglier and so are the people, and probably above all right now - my relationship with Joe and my spinelessness to talk to him about how I feel, along with an acute fear of being single and alone again.
I know that the fact I HAVE been with Joe has been pivotal in me achieving my goals and accomplishing what I have the to date, but it is those particular results that are some of the reasons for why our relationship is eroding away. I love stability and comfort, but that's particularly what's wrong - things are so stable they're stagnating and they're so comfortable they're suffocating. In the last few years we have gone on such different paths and his life is turning out so differently than he/we had thought even a year ago. I'd love to wait for him to get his shit figured out but I am at a point now where I don't feel like waiting anymore. We are drifting apart and I don't even think him getting on a path to something will salvage anything. We didn't even really have much in common at the start, but I liked what I heard and saw at the time and the potential that was there excited me. Everything since that point has been a disappointment in effect. Nothing he claimed he used to do and was determined to get back into has materialized, and nothing that he has planned to do or wanted to do since that point has come to pass either. And now, for the past two months he's been lying on the couch moaning about his condition - it's driving me insane! I almost want to get out of the house without him just to escape my home situation for awhile, or kick him in the ass to get him out the door and doing something.
I don't know why he hasn't figured out his life yet. I know it took me awhile too to reflect and ponder, but come on - he has NO IDEA what he wants to do. I don't know why he isn't a motivated individual like he used to be. He doesn't want to talk about anything ever. I don't know much about his past that might reflect on why he does things the way he does today. I wonder sometimes if he feels threatened or inadequate around me because of what I've accomplished in the past two years and demotivation for him is a self-preservation thing - I've never seen him like this before, and I don't like it. I've begun to wonder whether breaking up might be better for both of us.
I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore. He seems to not take any concern for himself (at least at the level I would be accustomed to), and even with my example, he refuses to embrace his health - almost out of spite, it seems.
And then he brings up shit like, "You know, when we're in Ontario, we could get married?", "we're common-law now". Shit. I luckily have my trusty opt-out lines, "Marriage is for suckers and losers - I'm not intending to partake in it ever", but frankly I am freaked out. We hardly ever talk about long-range plans together anymore. Fuck, his ideas keep changing! I remember once upon a time when he was all about the huge house, acreage, and SUV in the front yard, and now he claims he doesn't even like driving and doesn't want a car! I don't know what to think anymore. I think he knows I'm not into it anymore either, but hey I've read people wrong before.
The worst part is that I'm being a big loser and not putting anything out there anymore. Oh yeah, I can tell other people that things aren't going that well between us anymore, but I won't say anything to my partner. I'm a big chickenshit! I HAVE to talk to him soon. I sort of want to do it before the vacation, but why? It's not like we'll be able to separate at all while we're there.
I don't know if it's because it's my first relationship and I've seen what's good and bad and what I like and dislike about this one that has led to some growth on my part, or if we actually have been evolving/devolving at the same time, or if my expectations are unreasonably high, or what, but I'm not feeling very good about things right now. I feel as if I'm really being held back a lot of the time now. I want to do things with my partner but he seems now to not want to do anything, let alone with me.
I don't know why I have this horrendous fear of being single again either. I think it all stems from how depressed and desperate I was when I first came out. I know that things would be extremely different this time around. I'm not a virgin out of the closet anymore, but I still feel I'm naive on many levels, and most of what I've seen of the gay world really doesn't enthrall me much anymore. Most of the single gay people I know are either depressed or frustrated or whatever but I see a lot of the world the same way they do. Everything is all so fake and about appearances, but I guess that's the way of the whole world, not just the gay world although there it does seem to be highly magnified. I'm just glad I have sport. Everyone there is on a mental attitude level a step above the bar/non-active world and I do attribute that directly to physical activity and healthy lifestyle and diet. I also know a lot of good positive people that would help me transition back to the world again.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to do something soon.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Racing season is nearing a close. The last two races couldn't have gone any better - two provincial medals, silver in the TT and bronze in the RR. I'm so happy with my TT time yesterday. I went in hoping to go sub-58 minutes, and I ended up kicking my own ass and going 56:42! Helps to scream at yourself on the last 10km.
Coming up - Calgary Corporate challenge Triathlon, CCC 10KM and Provincial Hill Climb next weekend. Possibility of more medals? Guess we'll have to wait and see!
Went with Tony, Ryan others to Labour Day Classic Game yesterday - very sloppy. I passed out about 9pm last night, Ryan headed home around midnight, I slithered up to bed and slept until this morning.
Jeff and Susan's wedding reception was fun for awhile on Sunday night. Raced back into town from the Provincial TT in Leslieville and got ready after dropping off Brian Kullman. Everyone took off fairly early (11-12pm). I headed back downtown and went over to Tony's place for awhile. We ended up missing the Apollo BBQ on Sunday as well - too much going on, had to triage the events.
Not much else new. Bought some new Castelli gear at United Cycle in Edmonton and Bike Shop in Calgary, 30-50% off. Castelli Metalex shorts (funky silver!) and matching jersey. Managed to buy Castelli sleeveless skinsuit and another pair of Castelli shorts (EXTREMELY cheap) at the Bike Shop. Need to replace old wornout Ride N' Glide stuff. Love all of the items. Metalex shorts are a little tight, skinsuit is excellent. I'll wear it to the CCC Tri.
All dv-8 rubber items are wrecked now. I learned a very expensive lesson there....buy Canadian and make sure it's thicker gauge rubber you're dealing with. I'll have to check out U-bahn in Montreal when there. I'd love to get some more rubber, but it's all so bloody expensive!
Results for August 2003
Darwell ITT Series Race #3 Aug.10/03
Cat 4 - 40KM
1. Gary Brown Rundle MCC 56:392. Jamie Marshall TRS 57:23 3. Ross Andersen Calgary Cycle 57:594. Reid Dalgleish Synergy 58:185. Ted Emes ERTC 58:326. Nick Insole Juventus 58:507. Dennis Bland Crankmasters 59:098. Jason Frank CABC 59:159. Darin Schacker River Valley Cycle 59:1710. Robert Fouger Ind. 59:19
August 17, Mink LakeProvincial Road Race Championships Category 4 / Junior Men - 114 Km
1 Brian Kullman Terrascape 3:00:00 (Gold) 2 Jayson Gillespie ERTC Silver 3 Reid Dalgleish Synergy Racing Bronze 4 Robert Fougere Independent 5 Paul Venturelli Pedalhead 6 Mike Bidniak Juventus Junior Men Gold 7 Shawn Goulet Pedalhead 8 Michael Heintzman Blizzard 9 Myles Marshall Juventus 10 Darin Schacker River Valley Cycle
August 31, Red Deer/LeslievilleProvincial Time Trial Championships
Category 4 - 40km
Master A Men - 40 Kilometres 1 Kevin Rokosh ERTC 0:55:582 Reid Dalgleish Synergy Racing 0:56:423 Gary Brown Rundle Mtn CC 0:56:594 Bob McKerrell CABC/Projekt 1 0:59:085 Robert Beerkens Independent 0:59:146 Robert Gasienca The Bike Shop 1:00:147 Dennis Bland Crankmasters 1:02:268 Darin Schacker RVC 1:02:449 Dave Jaeger CABC/Projekt 1 1:03:3710 Kirk Loberg Revoluzione 1:04:4111 Michael Fix EBTC 1:05:2612 Robert Armstrong Independent 1:12:04

Letter to Dennis Bland:
Hey Dennis,
Thanks for the kind words. I can obviously appreciate your passion for racing. There are very few people out there that can understand the emotions (both high and low) that come with the exertion, commitment and dedication required to get to the level that we are at, not even considering the next level required to race at an elite level. My appreciation is greater for those of us that work a full-time job and train and support our sports on our own time and with our own limited pocketbooks than for those able to train and race as a career.
I think mustering up enough self-discipline to keep up the motivation and drive this season has been my greatest obstacle. I've found it very lonely at times to be doing what we're doing. Not that I'm looking for recognition, but the people in my daily social circles don't understand what we put into a race. It frustrates me sometimes that they can't show an interest in my accomplishments to the extent I think they should. I guess that's why I've found socializing in athletic circles this summer so much more rewarding - at least there everyone understands what you're going through and can appreciate your accomplishments. I remember the book "The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner", and the title rings so true.
Luckily I've raced with a fantastic team this year and I've been able to have the team racing experience that I've always dreamed of having. I can safely say this is the most rewarding summer I've EVER had on so many levels. I will definitely race with Synergy again next season. Unfortunately, my main goal of the year still eludes me. I'm sitting in first place in Cat 4 now for Alberta Cup points (71(?)), but I only have 32 upgrade points so I'm not out of Cat 4 yet (you can only get 20 max from TT races), although I suspect some of us that are close will be moved up by the ABA execs before next season. I could've been in Cat 3 quite awhile ago if not for numerous difficulties at the start of the season (crash at Ardrossan, missed turn at Bikes on Broadway, mechanical at Prairie Steamer....), but that's all part of the experience too, isn't it?
One other thing that I've found missing in the bike racing scene is the presence of any 'family'. I'm sure a few of the guys out there are gay, however it's not nearly as 'open' an environment as triathlon. Even out of the gay guys I know, there are none that ride at any high level, even recreationally. I wonder why that is? Loads of hot guys in spandex, why wouldn't you take an interest? Oh well, I guess that's another one of those benefits only guys like you and I can appreciate, right? ;-) Everyone I know in the racing scene seems to have a very liberal attitude at any rate.
You've had a great season as well - it's been great to watch those that have put in the effort over the summer improve and stick out the racing until the end of the season. Kudos to you too!
I'm glad to hear you only had a flu-like bug on the weekend and nothing worse. That must've been pretty stressful and frustrating at the same time.
I'm not planning on racing the Masters RR this weekend - I'm riding the bike leg of the Calgary Corporate Challenge CPR Triathlon team on Sunday. I've been organizing the 10K team for the CCC race on the 13th as well. Hopefully it won't affect the Hill Climb on Sunday the 14th! I start vacation on Sept.21 and I'm basically not back to work until Oct. 14th. Joe and I are heading to Toronto-Montreal-Quebec City for 10 days, and then I'm heading back to Manitoba for a week for my brother's wedding.
What are your plans for the winter? I'm not sure what direction I'm going to head in training-wise. There seem to be far too many options now, but of course that all hinges on how much money one is willing to spend.....
I still plan on spending several days in the gym, plus 2 spin classes a week (until after Xmas anyways). I want to increase my weekly running mileage from 30km now to 45km, but that will sort of hinge on the rest of the schedule. I'm determined to pick something up for cross-training, whether it be getting back in speedskating again with the CSSA, doing some more XC skiing, or even taking some dance lessons. I'm also curling with the Apollo league this winter - I know it's not training, but it is fun!
Anyways, hopefully we'll both get into the Hill Climb. Good luck this weekend if you decide to race. Please keep in touch over the off season and let me know how things are going!
Cheers to a great season in 2004!Regards,Reid
-----Original Message-----From: mtbsuit [mailto:mtb_suit@yahoo.com]Sent: Monday, September 01, 2003 10:37 AMTo: Reid DalgleishSubject: Re: ITT Series

--- mtbsuit <mtb_suit@yahoo.com> wrote:> Hey Reid:> > Congrats on your best 40k time and on your overall> result this weekend! Masters A / Cat 4 seems> especially competitive with all the guys trying to> move up to cat 3 ;-) You should have enough points> to> move up now.> > I'm feeling *much* better today than yesterday> morning. Darn flu-like symptoms. Ironically I felt> much better after the race than before/during the> race. All flushed out.> > You're my inspiration for next year. I haven't> decided if I will do the Masters RR this weekend,> but> I hope to do the hill climb. In addition,> Crankmasters is having a 20 km TT at the end of Sept> on hwy 22X.> > ciao,> > Dennis>