Tuesday, September 09, 2003

So, here it is Tuesday afternoon. I'm sort of in a blue funk these days - how quickly things change. I think it's a few things - the end of the summer and consequently the end of racing season, the stressful transition from racing season to training season again, deciding what to do for offseason training (and where to find the money for it - see next), a horrific lack of funds in my accounts (all blown away over the summer and it's not like I even went out much or went anywhere to extreme or spent too much money in one place), the broken bits on my bike, the impending huge cash shellout for vacation, Jerome's painting and Owen's wedding, marriage in general, gay marriage in particular, being gay and how it fits into the whole scheme of things - why do so many people hate us? (becoming so visible over the gay marriage thing...), my relationship with my parents, brother, and relatives and my hometown, the need for a home computer I can't afford, my fucking job, the current fucking fucked-up project, missing of training opportunities due to the fucking project, low morale at work in EVERYONE, living in Calgary - this redneck desert town - it's getting bigger everyday, but it's also getting uglier and so are the people, and probably above all right now - my relationship with Joe and my spinelessness to talk to him about how I feel, along with an acute fear of being single and alone again.
I know that the fact I HAVE been with Joe has been pivotal in me achieving my goals and accomplishing what I have the to date, but it is those particular results that are some of the reasons for why our relationship is eroding away. I love stability and comfort, but that's particularly what's wrong - things are so stable they're stagnating and they're so comfortable they're suffocating. In the last few years we have gone on such different paths and his life is turning out so differently than he/we had thought even a year ago. I'd love to wait for him to get his shit figured out but I am at a point now where I don't feel like waiting anymore. We are drifting apart and I don't even think him getting on a path to something will salvage anything. We didn't even really have much in common at the start, but I liked what I heard and saw at the time and the potential that was there excited me. Everything since that point has been a disappointment in effect. Nothing he claimed he used to do and was determined to get back into has materialized, and nothing that he has planned to do or wanted to do since that point has come to pass either. And now, for the past two months he's been lying on the couch moaning about his condition - it's driving me insane! I almost want to get out of the house without him just to escape my home situation for awhile, or kick him in the ass to get him out the door and doing something.
I don't know why he hasn't figured out his life yet. I know it took me awhile too to reflect and ponder, but come on - he has NO IDEA what he wants to do. I don't know why he isn't a motivated individual like he used to be. He doesn't want to talk about anything ever. I don't know much about his past that might reflect on why he does things the way he does today. I wonder sometimes if he feels threatened or inadequate around me because of what I've accomplished in the past two years and demotivation for him is a self-preservation thing - I've never seen him like this before, and I don't like it. I've begun to wonder whether breaking up might be better for both of us.
I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore. He seems to not take any concern for himself (at least at the level I would be accustomed to), and even with my example, he refuses to embrace his health - almost out of spite, it seems.
And then he brings up shit like, "You know, when we're in Ontario, we could get married?", "we're common-law now". Shit. I luckily have my trusty opt-out lines, "Marriage is for suckers and losers - I'm not intending to partake in it ever", but frankly I am freaked out. We hardly ever talk about long-range plans together anymore. Fuck, his ideas keep changing! I remember once upon a time when he was all about the huge house, acreage, and SUV in the front yard, and now he claims he doesn't even like driving and doesn't want a car! I don't know what to think anymore. I think he knows I'm not into it anymore either, but hey I've read people wrong before.
The worst part is that I'm being a big loser and not putting anything out there anymore. Oh yeah, I can tell other people that things aren't going that well between us anymore, but I won't say anything to my partner. I'm a big chickenshit! I HAVE to talk to him soon. I sort of want to do it before the vacation, but why? It's not like we'll be able to separate at all while we're there.
I don't know if it's because it's my first relationship and I've seen what's good and bad and what I like and dislike about this one that has led to some growth on my part, or if we actually have been evolving/devolving at the same time, or if my expectations are unreasonably high, or what, but I'm not feeling very good about things right now. I feel as if I'm really being held back a lot of the time now. I want to do things with my partner but he seems now to not want to do anything, let alone with me.
I don't know why I have this horrendous fear of being single again either. I think it all stems from how depressed and desperate I was when I first came out. I know that things would be extremely different this time around. I'm not a virgin out of the closet anymore, but I still feel I'm naive on many levels, and most of what I've seen of the gay world really doesn't enthrall me much anymore. Most of the single gay people I know are either depressed or frustrated or whatever but I see a lot of the world the same way they do. Everything is all so fake and about appearances, but I guess that's the way of the whole world, not just the gay world although there it does seem to be highly magnified. I'm just glad I have sport. Everyone there is on a mental attitude level a step above the bar/non-active world and I do attribute that directly to physical activity and healthy lifestyle and diet. I also know a lot of good positive people that would help me transition back to the world again.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to do something soon.